The Postpartum Mom and Depression

I've recently yesterday came to see that I have postpartum depression. According to Hubby, I've been in denial about it for quite some time. I've also developed migraines, not sure if this is related or if it's from the fact that we've been eating crap lately.

Now I know I was depressed after I had AJ, not sure if it was postpartum depression or if it was my birth control nightmare. Yeah found out the hard way I should not take hormonal birth control. Let's summed it up as, depressed, ovarian cysts, and pain, lots of pain. I wanted to die, not kill myself, not hurt the baby, I just wanted to die, to sleep and never wake up. I was on painkillers 24/7 and barely functioning. Go off the birth control and magically everything was better.

With Ariel, I knew I was depressed in the beginning but just assumed it was because she was in the NICU and I had to, you know, leave her there. That was very hard on me. I wasn't really eating and was too worried about seeing her and rushing to make room that I wasn't sleeping right either. I lost about 30lbs and was semi-happy once it was clear she was coming home soon.

I think I was too busy with everything when she came home, I was too worried about Ariel to really focus on me. I wanted to make sure she was eating enough, so I kind of screwed myself and did nursing then bottle, now I'm stuck doing that with every feeding. I was too busy playing keep the baby from AJ that now Ariel wants to be with me all the time, not that it's bad per say, just that it would be nice if I could shower in peace.

I believe the thing that pushed me over the edge was the whole breastfeeding thing. I was so determined this whole pregnancy that I was going to exclusively breastfeed. I wasn't going to doubt myself again, or let the comments get to me (ahem Grandma). The whole preemie thing ruined that. I felt like a failure while she was in the NICU since I and pumping don't work out so well. I felt chained to my pump and I still couldn't make enough to supply her. I could get maybe one feeding with a whole day worth of pumping. It was slightly better when I got to nurse her, but that's where the whole nurse/bottle feeding session started.

I also just feel as though everything is my fault. It's my fault we live with my grandparents. It's my fault that AJ doesn't listen to me (although it's really cause everyone undermines me). It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault. It's not even that anyone is saying it is, it's just me. It's me feeling that it's my fault, it's me feeling like a failure, and I can't stop it.

If I'm really honest with myself ... I feel like it's my fault Ariel was premature. 

Maybe if I did better with my pelvic rest, maybe if I hadn't overdone it, my water wouldn't have started leaking so early. Maybe if I had watched what I was eating, and kept my weight under control better I would have been able to handle myself better.

And again I know none of this is my fault, but I keep thinking it is.

Now added to this, where I had originally thought I was going to be taken off of temporary assistance cause Hubby makes "too much" I'm not. I'm being told I have to work. I finally got Hubby to get that it's not worth me going to work. 
  1. My paycheck would just be paying for daycare. 

  2. I would have to take off for doctor appointments and sicknesses, and that usually gets me fired. 

  3. I wanted to stay home with my babies. 

  4. I won't be able to breastfeed Ariel since I can't pump enough, plus who is going to want to hire or keep someone that has to pump every 2 hours?!

Now they are saying, nope sorry, we're going to make you go out and leave your kids with some stranger and get some crap paying job. We'll give you some free daycare for a few months, then we're going to say you make too much money and pull your benefits and your daycare. If I still have a job by then, my crap pay will go to daycare fees, and we'll be right back where we are, minus the assistance and I'll be miserable.

This isn't to say I don't want to work ever again, or even work now I just would rather do it from home. That way I can still nurse, I won't be shelling out for daycare fees, and I get to raise my kids. I just feel that once I leave to get a job I'll be even worse. Plus I know from experience they will have me leave my kids even if I don't find a job. That's what I really worry about, putting the kids into daycare to just sit around doing diddly squat again.

I also feel ugly, and huge, and unattractive. The weight I lost when she was born, I gained back. Plus some. I feel like I can't do anything right. I don't fit into anything. I'm the heaviest I've been in my entire life. Which is also something that I feel is my fault. I don't get to exercise, I don't get to eat right. I don't get out to the park. It's too hot for me. I break down crying just trying to figure out something to wear.

And then there's the fact that I spend a good amount of time crying, and not even knowing why half the time. 

Guess I'm going to the doctor soon.

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