Down the Rabbit Hole: Day 11


I've been feeling pretty good lately. Better than I was at any rate.

I feel less anxious over things, and I don't cry nearly as much. 

I have an appointment with Behavioral Health in a few weeks. My OB was pretty sure that I'm going to feel even better by then. He said I sounded much better now. I still feel anxious about leaving my baby. I still think it's pointless for me to get a job. My OB did advise me to not work if I didn't feel I was ready. It just makes me a little fearful about purposely stopping my assistance, but honestly I have to go off at some point.

I also noticed it's not just my feeling sad, alone, crying, etc that is changing. I actually drew a cute little rabbit hole on my dry erase board with the words "Down the Rabbit Hole" and what day I'm on. It's been quite some time since I drew something.






Image:

Down the Rabbit Hole by ~nimani-confused

Inspirational Quotes 8/24








Images from Photobucket

thredUP 48 Hour Sale





If you haven't already joined you should check out thredUP. You can join through my links both in this post and on the side. Now is the perfect time to join as there is a 48 hour sale! Here's the details:



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Sale Starts: August 24, 12:01 am EST

Sale Ends: August 25, 11:59 pm PST






At the Crescendo

I received Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick a few years ago from Barnes & Noble as an ARC. I loved it, I mean you know me and fallen angels. So when the sequel Crescendo came out you know I was all over it (even though it took me a while to read it).

It centers around Nora and her guardian angel boyfriend, Patch. In Hush, Hush we learn that Patch was a fallen angel and that he was going to sacrifice Nora, the female descendent of his Nephilim vessel, to gain his own body. Of course in the end he winds up falling in love with her, and saves her from his Nephilim vessel Chauncey. Which in turn gains him his wings back as her guardian angel.

In Crescendo we find that Nora and Patch have a forbidden romance going on. In a twisted turn Patch becoming Nora's guardian angel means they are no longer allowed to be together. Nora in an attempt to save him from losing his new found wings breaks up with him. It also is an attempt to spare her feelings when she thinks that Patch is cheating on her, of course he's not. But his refusal to tell her what he was doing at her "nemesis" house, a girl that has tormented Nora her whole life. But there's more going on than what the eye sees. Then there's the arrival of an old "friend" of Nora's that turns out to be a Nephil too.

Twists and turns, love and betrayal. Mystery and explanations. We find out some new interesting things. We also see that Patch really is the good guy. 

All in all it was a good read, but I did not like it as much as the first one. Not sure if that is my lack of time to read it, or that it just wasn't holding my attention the same way. I still would recommend it to my fellow fallen angel lovers. Especially to those that love a good mystery. But not sure it lived up to the first one.





There's a little witch in all of us

I am joining in on the fun this year. Frosted Petunias is hosting a blog party for something I love: Practical Magic! I've loved the movie and recently bought and loved the book. So I'm happy to have found Practical Magic Blog Party!

Join me next month!




Down the Rabbit Hole: Day 2



Went to my OB and confessed my suspicions that I have postpartum depression.

And he agreed. 

Put me on Prozac, sent me for blood work and to see behavioral health. 

This is the second day of taking it. So far not too many changes, still spent a good portion of yesterday morning crying, but I guess it's not instant-presto-all-better. I almost broke down in the doctor's office. I think know that I expected them to say no you're wrong, but no I was right.

It's scary to think, to know that I have this illness ... I feel like it makes me a bad mommy when I know that it doesn't ... it's not something I did, or choose ... it just is. 

Although that doesn't help make it feel ok, doesn't stop me from crying when I can't get my daughter to calm down or my son to listen. It doesn't help me from crying when I want to flee. It is slightly making me feel like it's 
                        ok to say 
                                       I need 
                                                 help. 


Better Help gives some reasons to choose an online psychiatrist
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/psychologists/reasons-to-choose-an-online-psychiatrist/

Inspirational Quotes 8/18








Images from Photobucket

I went to the Ren Faire and all I took was one lousy photo


In my defense it was raining, and I'm going back the next two weekends. My lovely cousin Kiki has gotten herself a job working in the Mediterranean food stand. I took this photo as we were waiting for her to come let us into the Faire, hopefully next time we won't have to wait for her.

I will say though the Ren Faire is still fun, if not more so, in the rain! It's less crowded, so you're not being jostled all over the place or fighting to get a stroller though. You can actually make your way through shops, and no waiting for food. And of course you get to see guys dancing and skipping in the rain for some happy-go-lucky minstrel!

The only downside was rain means wet, and there is about zero covered seating. Which normally would not be a big issue but I need to sit to nurse the fussy Ariel. I believe she is teething, but she makes it basically impossible to stand and nurse her, I have to sit and I'm there for the duration. Lucky for me AJ's Goddess mother works there in a sword shop and has an awesome boss who doesn't mind us coming and hanging out. I was able to borrow a stool and balance long enough to nurse her. Plus we got cookies, made by our favorite rennie!

I also think I've found my calling! I made a comment about how I wasn't too impressed that one of the girls working a hair braiding shop was sporting double French braids (like I was!). I told my cousin she could do her own hair since we can both braid, she was saying that her stand trades food with one of braiding shops and she can get her hair done for free. Hubby then tells me that when he was being interviewed for their job fair that they only ask whether the girls could braid hair before sending them to the shops!

It never ceases to amaze me that people pay for French braiding, or any braiding at all really. I've always been able to French braid my hair, I usually wind up sporting double French braids when I don't want to deal with my hair, like now, or when I was working at the camera shop. I would always getting complements on my braids, and very surprised looks when I said I did them myself.

The plan is next year that when I go to Ren Faire job fair that I will be asking to work in one of the braiding shops.






Image is my own.

The Postpartum Mom and Depression


I've recently yesterday came to see that I have postpartum depression. According to Hubby, I've been in denial about it for quite some time. I've also developed migraines, not sure if this is related or if it's from the fact that we've been eating crap lately.

Now I know I was depressed after I had AJ, not sure if it was postpartum depression or if it was my birth control nightmare. Yeah found out the hard way I should not take hormonal birth control. Let's summed it up as, depressed, ovarian cysts, and pain, lots of pain. I wanted to die, not kill myself, not hurt the baby, I just wanted to die, to sleep and never wake up. I was on painkillers 24/7 and barely functioning. Go off the birth control and magically everything was better.

With Ariel, I knew I was depressed in the beginning but just assumed it was because she was in the NICU and I had to, you know, leave her there. That was very hard on me. I wasn't really eating and was too worried about seeing her and rushing to make room that I wasn't sleeping right either. I lost about 30lbs and was semi-happy once it was clear she was coming home soon.

I think I was too busy with everything when she came home, I was too worried about Ariel to really focus on me. I wanted to make sure she was eating enough, so I kind of screwed myself and did nursing then bottle, now I'm stuck doing that with every feeding. I was too busy playing keep the baby from AJ that now Ariel wants to be with me all the time, not that it's bad per say, just that it would be nice if I could shower in peace.

I believe the thing that pushed me over the edge was the whole breastfeeding thing. I was so determined this whole pregnancy that I was going to exclusively breastfeed. I wasn't going to doubt myself again, or let the comments get to me (ahem Grandma). The whole preemie thing ruined that. I felt like a failure while she was in the NICU since I and pumping don't work out so well. I felt chained to my pump and I still couldn't make enough to supply her. I could get maybe one feeding with a whole day worth of pumping. It was slightly better when I got to nurse her, but that's where the whole nurse/bottle feeding session started.

I also just feel as though everything is my fault. It's my fault we live with my grandparents. It's my fault that AJ doesn't listen to me (although it's really cause everyone undermines me). It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault. It's not even that anyone is saying it is, it's just me. It's me feeling that it's my fault, it's me feeling like a failure, and I can't stop it.

If I'm really honest with myself ... I feel like it's my fault Ariel was premature. 

Maybe if I did better with my pelvic rest, maybe if I hadn't overdone it, my water wouldn't have started leaking so early. Maybe if I had watched what I was eating, and kept my weight under control better I would have been able to handle myself better.

And again I know none of this is my fault, but I keep thinking it is.

Now added to this, where I had originally thought I was going to be taken off of temporary assistance cause Hubby makes "too much" I'm not. I'm being told I have to work. I finally got Hubby to get that it's not worth me going to work. 
  1. My paycheck would just be paying for daycare. 

  2. I would have to take off for doctor appointments and sicknesses, and that usually gets me fired. 

  3. I wanted to stay home with my babies. 

  4. I won't be able to breastfeed Ariel since I can't pump enough, plus who is going to want to hire or keep someone that has to pump every 2 hours?!

Now they are saying, nope sorry, we're going to make you go out and leave your kids with some stranger and get some crap paying job. We'll give you some free daycare for a few months, then we're going to say you make too much money and pull your benefits and your daycare. If I still have a job by then, my crap pay will go to daycare fees, and we'll be right back where we are, minus the assistance and I'll be miserable.

This isn't to say I don't want to work ever again, or even work now I just would rather do it from home. That way I can still nurse, I won't be shelling out for daycare fees, and I get to raise my kids. I just feel that once I leave to get a job I'll be even worse. Plus I know from experience they will have me leave my kids even if I don't find a job. That's what I really worry about, putting the kids into daycare to just sit around doing diddly squat again.

I also feel ugly, and huge, and unattractive. The weight I lost when she was born, I gained back. Plus some. I feel like I can't do anything right. I don't fit into anything. I'm the heaviest I've been in my entire life. Which is also something that I feel is my fault. I don't get to exercise, I don't get to eat right. I don't get out to the park. It's too hot for me. I break down crying just trying to figure out something to wear.

And then there's the fact that I spend a good amount of time crying, and not even knowing why half the time. 

Guess I'm going to the doctor soon.



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The Witches Creed

Kind of a Wiccan poem, but I really love it. Either way I figured it's ok to share some Wiccan things that I had come across in my journey.


Hear now the words of the witches, 
The secrets we hid in the night,
When dark was our destiny's pathway, 
That now we bring forth into light.

Mysterious water and fire, 
The earth and the wide-ranging air,
By hidden quintessence we know them, 
And will and keep silent and dare.

The birth and rebirth of all nature, 
The passing of winter and spring, 
We share with the life universal, 
Rejoice in the magical ring. 

Four times in the year the Great Sabbat Returns, 
And the witches are seen at Lammas and Candlemas dancing, 
On May Eve and Old Hallowe'en. 

When day-time and night-time are equal, 
When sun is at greatest and least,
The four lesser Sabbats are summoned, 
And Witches gather in feast. 

Thirteen silver moons in a year are, 
Thirteen is the coven's array. 
Thirteen times at Esbat make merry, 
For each golden ear and a day. 

The power that was passed down the age, 
Each time between woman and man, 
Each century unto the other, 
Ere time and the ages began. 

When drawn is the magical circle, 
By sword or athame of power, 
Its compass between two worlds lies, 
In land of the shades for that hour. 

This world has no right then to know it,
And world of beyond will tell naught. 

The oldest of Gods are invoked there, 
The Great Work of Magic is wrought.

For the two are mystical pillars, 
That stand at the gate of the shire,
And two are the powers of nature, 
The forms and the forces divine.

The dark and the light in succession, 
The opposites each unto each,
Shown forth as a God and a Goddess,
Of this our ancestors teach.

By night he's the wild winds riders,
The Horn'd One, the Lord of the Shades,
By Day he's the King of the Woodland,
The dweller in green forest glades.

She is youthful or old as she pleases,
She sails the torn clouds in the barque,
The bright silver lady of Midnight,
The crone who weaves spells in the dark.

The master and mistress of magic,
That dwell in the deeps of the mind,
Immortal and ever-renewing,
With power to free or to bind.

So drink the good wine to the Old Gods,
And Dance and Make love in their praise,
Till Elphane's fair land shall receive us
In peace at the end of our days.

And Do what You will be the challenge,
So be it Love that harms none,
Fore this is the only commadment.

By Magic of old, be it done!






Image:

Starry witch's hut by ~YagaK

The Elements

Air
  • Compass point is East

  • Represents intellect, communication, knowledge, concentration

  • The ability to "know" and to understand

  • To unlock secrets of the dead

  • To contact the angels

  • Telepathy, memory, and wisdom

  • The hawk, the raven, and the eagle

  • Prophecy

  • Movement, karma, and speed

Fire
  • Compass point is South

  • Stands for energy, purification, courage, the will to dare, creativity

  • Higher self

  • Success and refinement

  • The arts and transformation

  • The lion, the phoenix, and the dragon

  • Loyalty and force

Water
  • Compass point is West

  • Associated with intuition, emotions, the inner self, flowing movement, the power to dare and cleanse all things

  • Sympathy and love

  • Reflection

  • Currents and tides of life

  • The dolphin, the swan, and the crab

  • Dreams and dreamtime


Earth
  • Compass point is North

  • Mystery and growth, fertility, material abundance, the combined forces of Nature and it's bounty

  • Birth and healing

  • Business

  • Industry and possessions

  • The bear, the stag, and the wolf

  • Conservation and nature






Image:

Elements by *Kechake

Inspirational Quotes 8/7

So I know I was doing this on Wednesday, but I missed it and feel like doing it today. So, here you go. Idea stolen from Being Alison









Images from Photobucket

Color Symbolism of Stones

White - spiritual guidance; being directed onto the right paths; calmness; becoming centered; seeing past all illusions. Examples: quartz, agate

Red - courage to face a conflict or test; energy; taking action. Examples: garnet, red jasper, red agate, dark carnelian

Pink - healing; true love; friendship. Examples: rose quartz, agate

Yellow - power of the mind; creativity of a mental nature; sudden changes. Examples: amber, topaz, citrine

Orange - change your luck; power; control of a situation. Examples: carnelian, jacinth

Blue - harmony; relationships; balance; practical creativity, particularly with the hands; fertility; growth. Examples; jade, malachite, amazonite

Brown - Earth Elementals; success; amplifies all Earth magic and psychic abilities; common sense. Examples: tiger eye, smoky quartz

Black - binding; defense by repelling dark magic; reversing spells and thoughtform into positive power; general defense;pessimism; feeling bound. Example: jet, onyx, obsidian 

Purple - breaking bad luck; protection, psychic and spiritual growth; success in long range plans. Examples: amethyst, beryl, quartz

Indigo - discovering past lives; karmic problems; balancing out karma; stopping undesirable habits or experiences. Examples: turquoise, amethyst, beryl






Image:

Amethyst by *Poetographer