At the root of it, anything you do for depression is selfish.
You want to know why? Because depression is not about the people around you, not about your family, not about anyone but YOU. Depression and any mental illness is something the person that has it has to deal with. So essentially anything you do for it can be considered selfish.
And that is not a bad thing. It is a completely nature reaction. YOU are depressed, YOU are suicidal, YOU are the one suffering from this illness. It is all about you. So it's all selfish.
Now we may go through therapy and counseling so that we can deal with our illness and become a better mom, like I did. But again it's because I knew that I wasn't at my best. It was about me getting better. It's still a process and it's still a struggle. And I hated when I finally told my psychiatrist that I wanted to die, yes it takes a bit for me to open up to people, especially doctors that want to talk about my feelings. Why? Because I always feel that I'm not worth the trouble. Or that it is not a big deal. Anyways. I hated that I tell him and his response is "you are a mother now, you need to take care of your kids." Yes it's completely true, but I am coming to you about a problem I am having that is tied into the fact that I am constantly sacrificing for everyone else.
I think the fact that anything we do to cope with depression or the like can be viewed by us as selfish is why so many of us delay or refuse getting help. Especially parents, we constantly want to do the right thing for our kids. We want to put them first. So it can get a bit oh well I'm being selfish going and sitting in therapy for an hour.
Sometimes its not even us, it can be others putting pressure that now we are parents, we need to stop thinking of ourselves. They mean well but it can actually be more hurtful than helpful. There have been cases of mothers hurting their children, having delusional thoughts that their child is malformed, is possessed, etc. There are even times when they ask for help and are told no by family members, I remember reading about a woman that repeatedly asked for help or a break from her newborn but her family members kept saying no. End result? She bite off the baby fingers saying they were disfigured or something. She most likely was suffering from postpartum psychosis.
I can only imagine that someone that was a public figure, an actor, that had every single part of his life on display would be feeling so much worse. Especially someone that brought so much joy to people through his movies, how he would probably be suffering with the weight of depression, while having to put on a public face. The stress would be deafening.
I guess what I'm saying is that yes I do understand wanting to commit suicide, but I do see it as a selfish decision. But definitely not a weak one. Suicide is a strong albeit selfish decision to a personal problem. It is a personal decision to decide to remove yourself from the world. It is a strong decision to actually go through with it. It's a desperate solution to a horribly personal and scary problem.
You will be miss Robin Williams, you were a great actor that gave joy to so many. Rest now, your suffering is over.
Please if you feel thoughts of suicide or self harming please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline or at least open up to a friend. It is hard, and you will probably cry, but it is a good thing.
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255