When life throws you curve balls, on postpartum depression

Sunday, March 18, 2012
via deviantart


You might have noticed I've been off my blogging game. There's a good reason for that. I've had a week from hell. There's been crying, breakdowns, fights, and me being left alone with the kids and my grandparents. Questioning of my relationship status with the hubs. I've felt like a fool, lost the little confidence I had, then I had to miss my much needed therapy session.

I'm not sure how much I want to post, how much is my depression, and how much is actually happening. But I do know that hubs has moved back to his parents. That he feels I'm not bringing in the money. That he said he didn't love me during a fight. I also know that he didn't stay here on his nights off like the original agreement was, he also took the car this weekend and tonight.

Insomnia is in full force most of the time now, even though I'm still not getting anything done.

Hubs didn't act as if we were breaking up, but he did shrug off any forms of PDA.

It's a tough spot to be in. My not emotionally or mentally stable enough to handle this. It's a lot. And I had a lot on my plate to begin with. I am pretty much drowning in responsibility, and I honestly feel like running away most days.

I feel like I'm always the one sacrificing, I'm always the one thinking of the kids first, and myself never. But yet he comes home with games, blurays, flat screen tvs, electronics.

Me? I haven't gotten a trim in months, and I need one. My glasses are krazy glued together. My contacts are ripped and I need to pick up my boxes. I'm not drinking enough water, I'm not really eating. I also broke down and got a pack of cigarettes.

All in all, it's been a hard time. And now I'm stranded at the house. Alone. With a wild boy 3 year old, a clingy 10 month old, a needy wheel chair bound grandma and a forgetful easy to anger papa. Where I do all the cleaning, all the feeding, cooking, and chasing. I get screamed at, called names, pulled in 4 directions.

I offered to try and get a part time job, in exchange for hubs cutting back on his spending. I was told it was his money he worked for. I feel as though I'm being told to take care of everything so he can play with his toys.

I just wanted to get it out there, let you know what's going through my head. Let you know that if I'm short or I have disappeared from my usual cyber haunts, you know why.

This was mainly to get some of this out of my head, lay it out, write it down, get it out of my head and be able to read it over. Plus you guys are my support system.



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2 comments

  1. Sounds like he needs a wake up call. Are you guys going to sessions together? We found that going seperatly it stopped the he said she said stuff and we discuss things we can do and then come together after working things out seperatly. It's helped us a lot. Me and hubs were also on the brink of divorce (thats a post in my drafts folder) so I know how you are feeling. Keep your head up. I was on the other side of this as I was the one wanting to leave but after I agreed to therapy and honestly trying things started getting better. But it took months. So be patient. Hugs. Thank you for all the support you've given me. I'll try and be your shoulder if you'll be mine.

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    1. He doesn't have insurance so he can't go to therapy. He doesn't really seem to want to work at all, he just thinks I need a job, cause you know staying home and spending no money on myself and raising the kids is wasting our money. I really feel like this is his parents talking and I don't know what to do.

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